It’s 7:30 am on a Monday morning. I’m trying to read for 20 minutes while I sip my morning coffee, as I do every day, but today, I am distracted. There are dishes in the sink. The trash is full. There are amazon boxes piled up and my cat has blood on his nose that I cannot figure out. There are still balloons up from my son’s birthday party which was July 12th.
I’ve been home all weekend. What excuse is there for this? Well, everyone else has been home all weekend too, and sometimes, you just feel so tired of constantly picking up and cleaning. I also started my period this weekend and was pretty much dead to the world yesterday. The fatigue I felt yesterday overshadowed the stress I knew I’d feel when I woke up this morning to this mess.
So here we are. It’s Monday morning and I’ve got to get to work (business work, not housework). I could spend an hour dealing with the house. It would make me feel better, but then I’d be behind on the business work I’m supposed to be doing. My husband works from home on Mondays. He is unbothered. If I asked him if the house was clean right now, he would recognize the dishes needed to be done and the trash needs to go out, but then he’d say “It looks great! I’ll do the dishes and trash real quick,” and he would. Because in all honestly, he’s incredible and he cares about me. The house is never as bad in actuality as it feels in my chest. It wouldn’t take an hour. It would take maybe 30 minutes to get things reset for the week. Why does it feel so heavy?
I read Fly Lady’s Sink Reflections recently. I can’t stop thinking about it. She lays everything out for you. Gives you a precise road map to follow. Detailed cleaning lists for every space, a schedule, routines, you name it. 15 minutes a day zone cleaning. I can do that. I love zones! Splitting my house into zones makes so much sense. Set a timer. I tell my clients to do that. You can do anything for 15 minutes! Color coded schedules, sign me up.
Where I’m struggling is this…no man has ever zoned his house. No man that I know, anyway. No man that I know has thought it even necessary to clean the baseboards. Let alone the light switches and door knobs. Every woman I know knows this needs to be done. No man I know has ever carried the weight of his house in this manner, but every woman I know is overwhelmed by her home and feels like she’s failing. Do the men actually have this figured out? One of my husband’s favorite phrases is “just gotta not let it bother you.” Simple right? Simple, but not easy. He literally just walked in here to tell me about a flame thrower he wants. I shit you not. Unbothered.
I can talk to my therapist about this, sure. My assumption is that we would deal with my feelings about my home, myself, my marriage, my kids, my parenting – and eventually it would all come down to unlocking something about myself. Some realization I come to that would make me…less bothered by the whole lot. But…I’m not sure I want it to not bother me. If it doesn’t bother me, then does that mean I don’t care about the house anymore? Does that mean stuff doesn’t get done? Because shit gets done when I’m bothered. I want a nice home. I want a clean home. I want to be proud of my home. I don’t want to be unbothered. I just want it to be perfect all the time so it doesn’t bother me, right? Unrealistic. These are the circles I run in my head.
I’m a professional organizer for crying out loud. I’m supposed to have it all together. Listen, my house is organized (except for that one closet upstairs). It’s the day-to-day messes that build up that will be the death of me, quite literally.
My clients are women just like me. They are stressed about their home, just like me. Except they also have clutter on top of it. I know how to deal with that. To be fair, I know how to deal with all of this. If dealing with it means getting shit done. If there was an award for making a to do list, I’d be the champ. I can prioritize. I can see what needs done and I can plan it, execute it too. I can, but I would also be the first one up and the last one to rest. My gym time and my work time would have to come second. The worst part of doing it all myself is the resentment I start to feel towards my husband when I am the one doing it all. Maybe that is what I need to go to therapy for. I can do all the things, but I want the division of labor to be fair and equal. I want to feel supported at home without having to make lists and delegate. I want initiative and proactiveness.
Fly lady says don’t be a martyr. I hear you. I don’t want to be a martyr, but mama, I am tired.
Women ask me what the answer to this overwhelm is. I don’t have the answer. I’m right there with you. Perhaps its therapy. Perhaps its outsourcing. Perhaps its just the phase of life we’re in until our kids are grown. I don’t have the answers.
I do know how to get shit done. I can declutter, organize, and clean a house more efficiently and effectively than most people I know. I can sit with you. I can hold your hand and say, I know….me too. Then we stand up and brush ourselves off and get back to it.
Hi, I’m Naomi!
Founder of Charming Spaces, professional organizer, wife, mom of three and passionate advocate for women.
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